Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
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