just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
