Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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