rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
