she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize