I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
