I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
