I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bondingš
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldnāt do it.
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