HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
