just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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