I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
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