put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
