If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
