wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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