i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
