i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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