So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
