she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
