Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
