My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
My cat gives me a boner
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
