community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize