Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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