i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
