Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I wish there were birth control emojis
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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