How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize