I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
