i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
