is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Every concussion has its silver lining
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
