Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
