i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
