I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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