Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
