Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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