just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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