Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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