The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I smell stomach acid.
I think my fart just growled at me.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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