i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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