He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
pop tarts are not kleenex
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
