Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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