Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize