just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize