conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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