Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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