i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
