my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
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