I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
