I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
