I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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