if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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