I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
