someone threw a dead crab at me
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
