I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
