this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
